Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
