omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
