I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
