conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
