meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
