So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
