my sisters under your porch take her home
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
