a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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