peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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