Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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