Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
