It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
