using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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