Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
