Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
