That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
