Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
