i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
