just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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