I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
