Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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