I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
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I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
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Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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