So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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