With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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