Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
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She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
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You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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