If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
