I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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