My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
