I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
