his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
it's great music for shaving your balls
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
