Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
