i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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