I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
