just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I'm too high and old for this...
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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