can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
