I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
