Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
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