It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
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It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
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They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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