How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Randomize
