you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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