A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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