I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
