I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
