i just wanna soil my oats bro
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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