I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
People in love make me want to vomit
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
