I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
