We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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