Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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