i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize
