Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
