I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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