Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
