she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
