i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
