apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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