Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Randomize
