i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
