My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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