I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Randomize
