I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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