Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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