He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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