They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
